Wednesday, June 17, 2015

gifts for dad

Well, Fathers Day is coming up fast.  Spare dad the necktie this year--after all he works at a sewage treatment plant and really doesn't need one there.  [I don't really know where your dad works, I was just trying to be witty].  So, what should you get dad?  Here are a few suggestions I'm sure will make dad's special day enjoyable and memorable..

Something really good to eat.  I don't mean hot dogs, I mean steak, grilled to perfection on a nice charcoal grill.  That probably means hiring a chef to cook it [or getting me to do it because I'm awesome at grilling stuff, but phat chance that's going to happen].

A nice sports car.  Of course, you probably need a pretty good job for that. Dad would love to drive to work at the sewage plant in a nice Porsche.  I know I would.

A date with Taylor Swift.  She's really hot. What else can I say?  I have no idea how you'd arrange that.

Not every idea I have is expensive.  Buy a bucket of corn and cook it.  I mean lots and lots of it, with real butter.  Every dad in the country loves to pig out on fresh buttered corn.  Save an ear for the dog, though. Most dogs like hot buttered corn, too.

Set dad up with a really hot looking prostitute.  This is a little cheaper than the sports car, but just barely.  Anyway, dad will like this one. He'll really like this one.  You can get them on the internet, take him to a brothel in rural Nevada, or fly him to Germany or Holland where this sort of thing is legal.  He'll like any of these options.  

Take dad to a movie where they blow stuff up a lot.  The more explosions the better.  

Get dad a large barrel of cheap wine and keep the glasses coming.  He won't remember what you got him, but deep down he'll think it was something he liked.  You may have to also budget for carpet cleaning to get rid of those mysterious purple stains all over the house [You may not know this,  but people who drink a lot of wine puke a lot of wine].  For added enjoyment, get some actors to dress up like aliens and pretend to abduct him after he's pretty much hammered.  Then you don't need to get the carpets cleaned and just tell him the aliens did that when they were giving him an anal probe.  

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