Monday, February 29, 2016

Leaping Along

February has always been something of a rip off month. It's a lot shorter yet my cell phone costs the same, rent payments are same--anything billed on a monthly rate costs the same yet you lose two days. Then, miraculously, every four years they give us a year which has an extra day. and they also throw in a Presidential election to make up for it. Now, we all know we use the Gregorian calendar, which was implemented by Pope Gregory XIII a long time ago.  The Chinese calendar is much older.  But it's the Gregorian one most of us use. 

Well, it's not enough. I want more. they should give us, or at least me, money every four years to make up for some of the February rip offs. Keep in mind, even Leap Year is still short and they're still ripping us off--just not quite as much.  

Saturday, February 27, 2016


I went to Costco yesterday.  One thing I like to buy there is bananas, as you can get about three times as many as in the grocery store for the same money.  Naturally, they were out of them. I got a deal on some strawberries, but it's just not going to be the same thing on my cereal.  What do I do if Snap, Crackle & Pop climb out of the cereal box and want to kill me because there are no bananas?

Yes! We have no bananas,
We have no bananas today!

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Too Much Sugar

I think Hawaii Punch has too much sugar. If they'd cut the sugar back some, I'd buy a bottle now and then as I actually like the tangy fruit flavor.  I went to the store yesterday and found myself looking at the bottle. It's just too much sugar.  

By the way, I forgot to buy the ground turkey, but I did pick up some of the peanut butter eggs.  Those things are addictive..

Monday, February 22, 2016

sealed container

I got home from the store yesterday. I discovered the mustard I bought wasn't sealed properly. It looked like it had been opened.  Although it looked and smelled okay, I found it unnerving. Since it was an inexpensive item, I didn't bother to return it to the store. I just pitched it. I've heard tale of people who go through stores and make themselves sandwiches and open all likes of packaging. I think stores need to invest more in security and have guys in body armor and wielding shotguns descend from the ceiling when things like that happen.  We need a higher body count on shoplifters to get them to stop opening my mustard. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016


Apparently no one else knows how to describe the sound of a hatchet hurling through the air, either. Got no help on that dilemma. Well, push on to other things.  

Thursday, February 18, 2016


When we say hatchet, which is an Americanization of the term hand ax.  We must keep in mind hatchet is originally a French word [hatchette for little ax.] this is a tool that is made for cutting wood.  Used properly, it is quite useful for cutting kindling or small batches of firewood. 

They are sometimes used for throwing.  Various traveling road shoes, lumberjack festivals and other means of entertainment have thrown axes at targets.  Although not nearly as accurate as a knife, as they tend to have an uneven weight distribution, they can be thrown.  Some people have even tried using them as weapons by throwing them at an adversary,

My point here is not so much to provide a history of the hatchet, but to ask the readers of this blog a question.  How do you describe the sound an ax makes when it is thrown? I am really struggling with this.  I am unable to come up with the words to describe the sound—and I have heard it. I have thrown axes. And I cannot describe that sound.

If anyone can describe it, please post it in the blog comments.  I’d be much obliged. I really would.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016


Our caucus is coming up in about two weeks.  I've noticed a big uptick in advertising by politicians. Boy do I hate political ads.  As the year progresses it'll only get worse and worse.  Why anyone thinks people want to sit through these horrible things is beyond me.  I can't do much about that.  I can't decide if I want to go to the caucus.  Unlike regular voting, they're always at an inconvenient time and location.  And, as I recall from last time, they're much slower.  If they served free food I bet they'd have more people show up. 

Monday, February 15, 2016

President's Day

Today is President's Day, a real national holiday.  Back when I was young we got Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday off.  Then someone decided we should just have one day to honor all of the presidents.  I've never been sure if that means we are supposed to send a card to the White House to honor the current president.  I never have.  Nor have I sent a card to either George Bush or President Carter.  All three, plus President Clinton are still alive.  So, is it really Presidents Day or is it Dead Presidents Day?  I mean I've never seen a card in Walgreens to mail to an alive but former president.  Hallmark could make a killing.  I've decided I'm going to start sending cards to all living former presidents in honor of the holiday starting next year, as it is too late to do so now.  I'm sure that'll get me on some kook list with the Secret Service. Hallmark, fire up the printing presses, you got more business coming. 

Overall, I've seen but not spoken to Obama and George W. while in office.  I've shaken hands with George H.W. Bush while president and with Carter, Clinton & LBJ after they left office.  Although I live just about two miles from where President Ford had a house, I never saw him in the Vail area.

I've also shaken hands with vice presidents Chaney and Biden while in office. There's a holiday for you, former vice presidents day. That'll draw a celebration. 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Philm History & Reviewing Stuff

I don't go to films very often and seldom review those I do see. Looking back over the years I am far more likely to review a western than any other genre.  Even though I edit horror anthologies and am an active member of the HWA and vote for the Stoker Awards, I seldom review horror movies. I'm not sure why.  A lot of the movies I don't review just don't seem like they're worth the bother.  Case in point, Hail Caesar, which is currently plying.  Why bother.  That's all I have to say about it. 

I think the last movie I gave a full review to was Hateful8.  Of course that was a western--and also a Quentin Terantino film.  I love Quentin Terantino movies.

Star Wars wasn't reviewed by me because I never bothered to go and see it.  It's no longer playing in these parts.

So, maybe I'll review something this year and maybe I won't.  I don't review books very often, either. People used to send me books for review. That seldom happens anymore.  Of course the books I got were when I was still editing Science Fiction Trails. They were mostly inappropriate, like some PR firm just blanket mailed out to every magazine that had the words science and fiction in its title.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016


One of the worst things about living in the mountains of Colorado is we don't have any bakeries or doughnut shops.  Homer Simpson would starve here. Now, the chain grocery stores do sell doughnuts and baked goods.  It's not the same as a place that specializes in the wonders of crease and flour. And chocolate milk.  Boy, there's nothing like chocolate milk with some nice doughnuts.  So, today I'm going to travel to Denver. And, before I return, I'm going to go by a doughnut place and buy some doughnuts. Yum. 

Monday, February 8, 2016

Cereal Abominations

One of the many failures in my life was my inability to market Abominable Cereal. That would have had the Abominable Snowman [Yeti} on the cover and little frosted Abominable Snowmen for kids to eat. It's not easy to make and market food products. Cereals, in particular, are difficult as they are a high volume low margin item.  So, it just never happened.  A lot of people think it's stupid. Stupider than little elves hawking crisp rice?  Stupider than some tiger hawking corn flakes?  Me thinks not.

Yet another cereal I wanted to offer from my nonexistent food empire was Saucer Cereal. This being little silver flying saucers for people to eat and the box would have a silver flying saucer on it.  How can you go wrong with flying saucers?

This wasn't my idea, but another disappointment in the world of cereal was Crusty O's. Back when the Simpsons Movie  came out they converted a handful of 7 Elevens into Kwik E Marts in honor of the film.  And we were promised Radioactive Man comics and Crusty O's cereal.  Well they had so little product the stores sold out in minutes.  I couldn't get my Crusty O's.  Yes, you can sometimes find them on eBay, but I think they're past their shelf life now. I don't know why they were so conservative in their ordering as Simpsons fans still number in the millions.

So I eat my Grape Nuts, often waxing about other cereals that could be in my bowl but are never to be.  

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Big Game

Some sports league somewhere doesn't like people to call the Supersomething the Supersomething.  They have had their lawyers make other businesses advertising stuff refer to it as the championship or the Big Game.  I think that's a stretch of what trademark law was intended for.  At any rate, they'll do what they'll do.  I'm not going to watch it. I'm not going to wear orange today, either. They can have their stupid game.  I don't care who wins. I don't care. I don't care.

It would be nice if the score was 100 to 3.  I would like that.  I also think it would be cool if a defensive lineman scored like 24 points on takeaways. You don't see that every day.

What got me going was the ridiculous way the news media sucks up to the league.  They have reporters running around San Francisco acting like the game is being played there. It ain't. The stadium is quite some distance away. Go there sometime and try to walk it. The whole thing's a crock. 

And that's my take on it.  Not that anyone cares.

Thursday, February 4, 2016


We haven't had Spanish lessons in a while.

Will a dead body fit in the air vent?
Será un ajuste cadáver en la salida de aire ?

Do we have to tip the maid if she is dead?
¿Tenemos que propina la limpieza si ella está muerta ?

Can I have a room that is not haunted?
¿Puedo tener una habitación que no es perseguido ?

Do you have tomato soup? I love tomato soup.
¿Tiene la sopa de tomate ? Me encanta la sopa de tomate

Tell the maid not to open the coffin in the bedroom.
Dile a la limpieza no para abrir el ataúd el dormitorio

Do you have a Geiger counter at the front desk?
¿Tiene un contador Geiger en la recepción ?

Wednesday, February 3, 2016


It seems just a short while ago the print book was all but doomed. Interesting that Amazon is opening physical book stores.  Other large companies are not doing so well selling books.  I've never been sure if that was due to a lack of customer interest or the inept way the large chain bookstores are run. 

Monday, February 1, 2016

Ground Hog

For years I've tirelessly advocated people eat sausage on Ground Hog Day.  They usually stare blankly at me.  Get it--sausage is ground hog.  It's hopeless.  I've had as much luck spreading the word about sausage as Linus did telling people about the Great Pumpkin.  Heck, I once even wrote to the people at Jimmy Dean trying to get them to promote eating sausage on Ground Hog Day.  They never responded. They probably think I'm some kind of kook. 

I am giving up.  Go have a salad or something.  I don't care anymore.