Well, last year, you again stiffed me. Now, I could just sort of blame that on my move to Arizona. Thing is, you stiffed me for the 15 years I lived in Colorado as well. In fact, it's been about 45 years since I got a present from you. Was it something I said? How about we let bygones be bygones and you leave a little something under my tree this year?
What do I want? Well, you know I like being handcuffed. I was thinking that cute officer from the police department could come over and handcuff me and search me. The one I wrote you about last year. Don't want to arrange that? Well, a large amount of cash would be nice. My car's getting old and worn out, but I guess a new one is kind of heavy for your sleigh.
If that's too much, how about a nice chess set. Surely you could drop off that when you swing by Arizona. You could alternatively drop off a million copies of one of my books to homes around the world.. Books make great presents. I'd get royalties and that would make up for being stiffed all these years.
By the way, my brother wants a box of steaks. He likes those ones from Omaha.
And my dad, well he says you don't exist, but he's pretty much crazy these days.